The Wheel of Consent

The Wheel of Consent is a communication tool.

It helps set up both your boundaries, and mine. This ensures your best sense of comfort, and feeling of safety. It also lets us both know when we’re vulnerable, and how easy it is to stay within our comfort zones.

This affects your massage session quite profoundly. It’s an extremely useful tool, designed to be two-way. It’s important in any erotic massage, that we openly and honestly communicate. Not only about things which might be comfortable, and highly enjoyable, but uncomfortable, and not enjoyable at all. It ensures I massage you in a way you like, and is pleasant for you, and it’s designed to help us work round your boundaries, and mine.

Diagram of the wheel of consent

The Wheel of Consent was founded by Dr Betty Martin. She’s an American Tantric Therapist, who began her career as a Chiropractor. She started to change the direction of her practice, to explore her own sensual energy.  She devised the wheel, as a result of hearing about relationship problems with many of her clients.

The four segments of the wheel

The wheel of consent consists of four segments:

Giving, or serving ( taking action to benefit someone else);

Take ( taking action for one’s own benefit);

Allow ( Allowing someone else to benefit from us); and

Accept, or receive ( Receiving benefit from someone else).

How it works

It’s particularly important in most of our interactions that we use the principals in the wheel of Consent. When we don’t, we’re bound to upset somebody, take advantage, or do something we don’t have the right to do, without first asking if this is acceptable.

For instance, my relationship with clients is that of  providing a service, or serving. I take action to benefit them. I may not do anything they are not happy with. They’re paying for massage, to receive my touch, and accept it. However, because of the possible dynamics of erotic massage, things can become unclear. If I should like to do anything, then I should ask them, first. Wanting to do something is within the Take quadrant, therefore, I’d need to ask their permission.

The opposite quadrants, Take and Allow, are for the benefit of lovers. One person can Take, and the other person, their partner, can Allow. Nobody should take, though, without first ensuring what they want to take is acceptable to the other person. So, they need to ask the other person if they may do something to them.

How the Wheel informs my practice

When I discovered the Wheel of Consent, I found it particularly beneficial. It helps me affirm my role, and the client affirm theirs. It guides my practice, so I don’t do anything you wouldn’t like. It also protects me from people doing what I don’t like.

This is extremely important, because, without it, there would be no distinct boundaries. These must be respected and accepted by both of us, for the massage to be fully enjoyable for you to receive, and me to give.

How I apply the principles of the wheel.

I ask you questions before I start the massage.

I talk with you before I begin. I always check first, to find out if there’s anywhere you wouldn’t like me to touch you. You might have extremely sensitive feet. You’d absolutely hate it, if, during an otherwise wonderful massage, I suddenly touched the soles of your feet. It would quickly ruin your experience. I’d be mortified if anything like that happened.

Equally, my feet have different sensitivity when they’re touched by different people. Some men can touch my feet, and I don’t have a problem. Others would make me kick like a donkey.

Applying principals of the wheel of consent

Here’s an example. Say someone felt the urge to touch my feet. Their desire to touch my feet, comes in the “Take” quadrant, since they want to take action for their own benefit. They need to take responsibility here, and ask if they could touch my feet. If they do it without asking first, they’re taking without consent. This would result in me enduring it, and not enjoying it. That action would therefore not be done with integrity.

I wouldn’t be in consent, because I don’t like it. One person cannot be in consent, when the other is out of consent. The other person would, therefore, be acting outside the wheel- without consent.

It applies to anywhere someone may want to touch someone else. Touching is in the Take segment. So, you’d have to ask them first, rather than assuming it’s acceptable. This makes sure nobody endures something they don’t like. It wouldn’t be fair to expect them to put up with what they don’t enjoy.

Can things be changed when using the wheel?

Yes, indeed they can, so long as everything that happens within it is integral, and done with a partner’s consent.

Sometimes, you may want to do something ( defined as being in the “Take” segment). Your partner might not be comfortable with the idea, may not be receptive to it, or in the right mood to want you do it. You may need to be prepared for refusals, or changing what it is you want to do.

It’s absolutely fine for someone to say, “Stop. I don’t like the feel of that. Could you do this (whatever this might be) instead, please?” That way, we accept, and work happily with alternatives, which is perfectly reasonable.

Can I say that something feels uncomfortable?

Likewise, when you’re having a massage, and you feel even remotely uncomfortable with something I’m doing, you have the right to ask me to stop. You can suggest an adjustment, and I’ll do what you ask. This can cover anything from massage pressure that feels too deep or strong. It can also be something that just feels uncomfortable. You don’t have to give any reason. I might be massaging your neck, and you enjoy it for a while,but then feel you want me to move to another area, please feel free to tell me.

It’s quite fun to have you direct what you want me to do to you. As you can see, it has a huge number of benefits, for both parties. Nothing is cast in stone, and it’s possible to move around the quadrants, as the mood and desire takes us. Just as long as what happens is acceptable, comfortable, integral and enjoyable to the other person as well. We all need to be prepared for some sort of negotiation within it.

Blurred or unpleasant things we don’t like

Outside the wheel are words and phrases, written in red. These are all well- known, and are referred to as the blurred, or potentially, ugly things that can happen when consent is not agreed between two people.

Those happen when we fail to ask someone if we can do something to them, and just assume we can ( because it’s taking- taking action for our own benefit).  Those are things people don’t like, whether in relationships or not.  They usually result from people doing things without checking in with their partners first. Some of them are not nice, as you can see.

That also often happens in relationships, which is one of the largest contributing factors that cause breakdowns, divorces, separations, estrangements- you name it. And the thing is, there’s probably a really simple root cause. Rather than talking about it, we perhaps take it for granted. Because we might be married to someone, we get home from work, feeling horny,and assume it’s alright to get our partner in bed to have sex. How often do we think we shouldn’t have to ask them first?  So, you see, the ugly occurrences can easily be prevented by using good communication. ie, “Do you fancy having a bit of How’s your Father?”

Your partner might not have the energy, or be in the mood. As you see, checking in, and asking is tremendously important. When we want to do something, it’s for our own benefit, in that sense, so it’s taking.

When something is allowed, it’s integral

According to the Wheel of Consent, when something is allowed, it’s integral. It stays within the bound of the wheel segments, and it’s fine.

If something is done that a partner is not comfortable with, and it’s done regardless, then someone’s acting outside the wheel of consent. At this point, things break down.  One person is taking, without the consent of their partner.

To get it right, we need to ask them if we can do a,b,c or whatever. No harm can come of that. In fact, it can be quite fun for couples to ask their partners if they can do something to them. It could make the differnece between “..OH..not AGAIN!” and “Cor! YEAH!”

Aren’t we prudish?

We are prudish. We don’t talk about sensual and sexual stuff nearly enough. As a nation, British are very reluctant to discuss such things. This also appears to be equally true of other nations and cultures. But it’s just as important as other areas of our lives. The only way to break a Taboo is to just do it! Be honest about it.  Not furtive, or ashamed of who you really are. After all, we are animals. And it’s perfectly fine to remind oursleves of the fact, sometimes. We’ve come too far from nature, and we need to get back to it.

The wheel of consent is a really useful tool. It not only informs my practice, reminding me to be mindful, regarding my client’s comfort. It also helps many people in relationships, where things have become complacent, and where they don’t communicate as well as they once did. It can reignite the flame, when you think it’s lost. It’s helpful for everyone.

I hope you find this information as useful and informative as I have.